Oh mama, there is so much we don’t know… To engage in the spiritual practice of ‘Not Knowing’ simply means embracing that much of life is uncertain. In fact, we know almost nothing for certain, despite the fact that we live under the illusion of certainty in many areas. Really the only thing we know for sure is that we die, and that we need water, oxygen and food to survive (although there are even instances of these things being questioned). We think we know a lot of other things… like that the sun will keep rising, that our car will turn on in the morning, that its good to eat veggies,…etc. But we actually don’t know these things for sure. We know very little for sure. And while these beliefs are very helpful and healthy, (and i’m not saying we shouldn’t have them!) there is spiritual growth to be found in questioning these beliefs. Or at least in questioning the way we hold so tightly to our beliefs.
How does the opportunity to practice ‘not knowing’ show up in motherhood?
There are countless instances in motherhood where you just don’t know what is going on and you have to live with that. You don’t know why your baby is crying, you don’t know if they are scared, hungry, cold, expressing themselves, tired, hurt, or anything else. You don’t know if it is better to sleep train them or not. You don’t know if you should breastfeed past 6 months, past a year. You don’t know if it actually is healthier in general, or for your specific baby to breastfeed, to use formula, to give them dairy milk. You don’t know if it is better to leave them alone so they can learn to self soothe, or if you should respond promptly to every call so they learn they can get their needs met. You don’t know the exact right combination of independence and dependence. You don’t know if they will get some horrible disease from playing outside, from playing with other kids. You don’t know if you should give them every vaccine on schedule, or do it slower, or not do it at all. The list goes on and on… we really don’t ultimately know what is right and wrong, and though we have a lot of good data to support certain decisions over others- there is always conflicting evidence and probably individual differences that make it so what is considered right for most, may not be right for you or your baby. There is just no way to know all of these things, and yet we want to do the best for our babies and so there is a strong desire to know what will be best.
So this is where the practice comes in. We have to try our best to do what we think is best, with all the information we have, and all the abilities we do and don’t have- BUT we also have to embrace the fact that we don’t know. Its something you can sit with many times a day if you are being conscious while raising your child. For example, your 6 wk old cries, you wonder, are they hungry? cold? tired? you try to feed them, but its unclear if they want it or not. You could keep pushing the food, under the assumption that they are hungry, or you could stop trying under the assumption that it was something else making them cry. Perhaps you will choose to believe one of those situations in order to feel comfortable and in control. But alternately, you could pay attention to the fact that- you just don’t know. You can’t ultimately know why the baby was crying. Even if they ARE soothed by a bottle, it may not mean that they were hungry. We are so eager to know things (and that is not a bad thing! ) that we often try hard to ignore the feeling of ‘not knowing’. But it will come up again and again and again through being a parent and so I encourage you to practice sitting in that discomfort of not knowing, and still doing your best. Instead of telling yourself ‘oh they were just hungry’, you could say ‘perhaps they were hungry, but I really don’t know. I really don’t know what is going on with my child, but i will do my best to put together the clues and respond accordingly. I can act and make the best choice, even though I don’t know what is going on’.
This practice, like much spiritual practice may not be comfortable. But it is ultimately liberating and will prepare you to accept many more instances of letting go that life throws at you. And to be clear, the goal is not to throw your hands up and say ‘ well i have no idea what is real so i’ll just do whatever is easy and comfortable’. This is not the goal. We still pay attention to all the information out there, including our intuitive sense of a situation, and we still make what we consider the best decision with all the information available. But the way we think about it is different. Rather than thinking- ‘I have come to the truth, the right decision, the ultimately fact about this situation’, we think- ‘ i am making the decision that i think is best, even though i don’t ultimately know if what i’m doing is right. i still participate in life and do my best, but i don’t really know if what i’m doing is right’. This perspective shift can free you from fears that you may be wrong, from needing to justify your choices and from spending a lot of time and energy trying to confirm that you were correct. It can be incredibly freeing- although life is still a lot of work 🙂